- My Husband Had An Affair And I Stayed
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- Surviving betrayal: 11 ways to get over an affair
- 'Life totally changes'
- 10 Signs Your Husband Is Having An Affair
He was on the couch in their Guelph, Ont. What is wrong?
My Husband Had An Affair And I Stayed
Do you love her? Do you want to be with her? It was his little secret. Life as they knew it had undergone an irreversible shift. Infidelity is something both of them thought only happened to other people. In fact, it is one of the most common disasters that can befall a marriage. And among married millennials ages 18 to 29, extramarital sex among women 11 percent has slightly edged out the occurences among men 10 percent. With Tinder, Facebook and sexting, the potential for indiscretions—and for being found out—is greater than ever.
Both people in the couple have serious work ahead: The two of them must decide whether to try to rebuild things or break up and start over, all while protecting their children from as much fallout as possible. For some couples, the discovery of an affair will end their relationship; for others, it can inaugurate a new stage of radical honesty.
Infidelity is not a topic our culture is eager to discuss. In an era when we expect to marry our best friends, infidelity may actually hurt in a deeper way than it did for our grandmothers, who married more out of duty or for financial security.
Huizenga began to focus on helping couples deal with the aftermath of infidelity after he went through it himself in the s; his former wife cheated when their kids were eight, 11 and They stayed together for another decade after her infidelity and they still have a good relationship. Eulogy to a marriage lost to parenthood. Not all affairs are due to problems in the relationship, however. A person can be in a marriage they love and still cheat. When happy people cheat, it tells us that there are limits to the fulfillment monogamy can offer and that even the most apparently solid partnership is vulnerable.
Surviving betrayal: 11 ways to get over an affair
I did it out of curiosity. Having kids meant there were even fewer opportunities. When kids come into the picture, they can rob parents of not only time and sleep but also their ability to nourish the other facets of who they are. An underacknowledged factor, particularly for women, is the feeling that marriage and parenthood has cost them their identity —specifically, the independent, free-spirited person they were before getting married. There are exceptions, though. She may try to run away from all of that by running out of the house and finding another man or another woman.
The evening before the year-old mother of two small children was due to give birth to her third, she was interviewed for a TV news segment. The program aired at 6 p. To her horror, Alison learned that instead of working late, as her husband had always told her he was, he had carried on an affair with this woman for years—ever since Alison was pregnant with their first child. He told her he had never really wanted to be married or be a father, and he withheld information about his multiple betrayals, forcing her to become a detective.
Still recovering from her C-section and dealing with a newborn, she felt stunned and fragile.
'Life totally changes'
In the midst of the pain, a crisis like this can present a silver lining. It may be the first time in years that a couple distracted by the demands of work and kids has truly bared their deeper feelings to each other. Intense emotions—rage, fear, grief, abandonment—dominate this raw first stage. The straying spouse may try to rationalize their actions as a way of alleviating their own guilt and shame, or try to get their hurt partner to move on. This is the point at which a good therapist and good books can help.
Therapists say the best thing for the person who cheated to do at this stage is to put their own feelings aside and give their partner as much support as they need. Although he had betrayed his wife, Marcus had never intended to disrupt his marriage. In his mind, he had compartmentalized his affair from the rest of his life. In the hours and days after the affair was discovered, Marcus said all the right things. When she returned, Marcus had already packed a bag, but she told him to stay for the night.
It was agonizing for her. He is a good dad and loves his kids, and they love him. Every night for the next two weeks, Marcus expected Rachel would throw him out.
And every night, she told him to stay. See more videos. What to watch next. Read More. Microsoft may earn an Affiliate Commission if you purchase something through recommended links in this article. Found the story interesting?
10 Signs Your Husband Is Having An Affair
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For Grant, an author and journalist living in Toronto, packing up and leaving wasn't immediately in the cards.
Instead, she focused on her own healing with the help of a therapist , while her husband spent time in therapy separately. If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road.
Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship. This is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward. The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair. Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important. But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible.
Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. He had done everything he could to support me as I healed. If the affair is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with the person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process. Brandon Santan , a licensed marriage and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee. Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more complicated. Being cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty.